This winter marks the anniversary of me writing copy – in one form or another – for 12 years.
It started with product descriptions for a small boutique in my hometown and now involves developing messaging strategies for incredible brands and entrepreneurs. I still have to pinch myself that they trust me to help refine such a crucial part of their branding.
This also means that one of my Most Untherapisable Afflictions is obsessively reading and critiquing every ad I see on the London Underground.
On the way to see Radiohead last Friday (they played “There, There” and I am still crying) I saw one of the worst offenders for meaningless word salad I've ever had the joy of witnessing.
Behold... this advert for... well... what exactly?
I mean... at least its colourful? Designers, please weep with me.
First, let's discuss the one-liner they've chosen to explain who they are: “The CRM with gamechanging value.”
What in the word salad does that even say?
Literally, it says NOTHING.
Nothing about the consumer, the product, the result, the benefit or – if all else fails – even something witty to make us smile on the platform.
“Gamechanging” and “value” have to be the two most meaningless words in the marketing lexicon.
So they really excelled themselves by using both in one sentence.
WHAT VALUE????
Not a single person in this world wakes up one day and goes on the hunt for gamechanging value to improve their business.
They might wake up hungry for a way to keep track of leads, so they can stop chasing down invoices, proposals and email threads before 10am.
Or perhaps a system that stops them losing client documents in the abyss of their Downloads folder.
But never, ever, value.
Don't worry, though. “Value” is only used a further two times across this ad's wordy real estate. Not only is it in the one-liner that's supposed to position the brand and grab attention, it's also *cries* in the headline!!!!!???? And being grabbed by some sort of arcade-style claw in the visuals (yet another cardinal sin of copy and design: don't simply show what you're saying when you've just said the same thing you're showing?!)
Dear reader, I weep.
And don't get me started on the acronyms. To know what “CRM” means, you first need to use a CRM system in your business or know that you need CRM in your business. (It means Customer Relationship Management, btw.)
Using this jargon already cuts out a huge proportion of your potential customer base, many of whom will be desperately in need of “something to organise and manage their customers so they don't lose track of them throughout their consumer lifecycle”... but won't know that's what the fuck CRM is or does.
I'm going to stop ripping this to shreds now because I'm getting sweaty and scowly and my number-eleven lines are deep enough as it is without me frowning at my laptop for another fifteen mins.
Honestly, this ad reeks of "I'll just do it myself" or, even worse, a poor copywriter cowering under their desk as yet another person from finance who doesn't know what they're talking about reduces what was a solid first draft to this piece of meaningless fluff.
However, I will leave you with the two ads either side of it. Which are both Very Good and Not Bad At All. But look like they should win awards next to Zoho CRM.
I mean... lol.
Let's start with why This Works works.
Good: “next stop... deep sleep” is a cute way to play with the benefits of the product and the location the ad is placed in (public transport). The qualifying copy beneath it contains a results claim: “clinically proven to improve overall sleep quality” (so we know why we should care) and commands (ahem... questionable) brand authority by namedropping its fancy trademarked Deep Sleep Functional Fragrance, whatever that means. Lots of five-star reviews in there too, some compelling sales data and loads of stats to back up the results in the one-liner.
Could be better: There's a LOT of text here. It just about gets away with it, but I'd be interested to see an A/B test where it's reduced to that lovely headline, the one-liner, five-star reviews and the percentages.
On to my favourite, from sofa company, Swyft.
Good: LOVE this headline. “The seat you won't have to wait for” is such a clever little way of tying the ad back to the location it's shown in, combining pain points of both commuting and longass sofa delivery lead times. No notes. Very clever. Then the rest of the copy succinctly communicates more benefits of sofa shopping with Swyft. I'm sold.
Could be better: Nothing. I really like the simplicity of this ad.
So, Reader, if you are ever tempted to use the phrase “gamechanging value” to describe your offer, product or service, please use this email as emotional support. You can print it off and keep it under your pillow in case the bad whispers come in the night and try to make you use word salad in your marketing.
And if you've ever wanted someone to climb inside your business with you so you know exactly what to say, no matter the context, let's chat about Hook Strategy.
By the way, when you're ready here are some ways I can help you >>
1️⃣DONE FOR YOU Website Copywriting & Hook Strategy A business that sells for you when you’re not in the room starts with potent positioning and a killer hook. Allow me to work your angles, and turn your story (what got you here) and your style (the unique way you do what you do) into a catnip website strategy + messaging guide – all served up to you on a silver platter.
2️⃣DONE ASAP VIP copy edit consults Skip the done-for-you queue and whip your current website copy into shape with comprehensive edits from me and a call to collab and run through it all. Ready to go in less than 7 days.
Know someone else who'd like this? Why not forward it to a friend? 💌
You're receiving this email because you signed up for it at emmagriffinwrites.co.uk, or through a direct link on my Instagram account. You can unsubscribe here at any time. I won't be salty about it.
